Hoppy Saint Urho's Day with an Added Kick

St. Urho statue, Menahga, Minnesota

This the statue of Saint Urho before which Bryn and Dave prostrate themselves three times whenever they pass through Menahga, Minnesota en route to the Rufus & Maggie Marlow Family Reunion

HAPPY SAINT URHO’S DAY!

Lest we be remiss and skip the opportunity to celebrate the holiday with you, happy Saint Urho’s! Bryn’s grandfather (coincidentally named Urho) died today in 1963. Bryn had wondered if he, too, would die today. So far so good.Hope your day was hoppy.

24, AND COUNTING . . .

March 12 marked our 24th anniversary, Dave’s and mine. Not 24 years since we married, as that option was long unavailable to us, but 24 years as a couple. And 15 years to the day we married in Windsor, Canada.

These years have been rich and full of experiences and growing in love. We are grateful and blessed.

Adding my own twist to local history

EVERYDAY LIFE IN MIDDLETOWN

For a few years now Dave and Bryn have participated in a volunteer diary effort titled “Everyday Life In Middletown,” a Ball State University project documenting the experiences of area residents. This has proved a rewarding experiment in paying attention. Thinking about what to do with collected diaries from the period of his coming out, Bryn contacted University Archives and the Everyday Life in Middletown Project to see if they have interest in receiving these.  (Yes.) The recorded information has been too emotionally trying for Bryn to go back and put it in memoir format. Perhaps elements of it will see the light of day through this project. A number of people are involved in helping move the information from written files to searchable digitized files, and in organizing various related documents. In the future researchers may request access to this one man’s take on the coming out process in middle America.

[  KNOCK  KNOCK  ]

This past Saturday brought a surprise phone call from Bryn’s brother Steve, long estranged from him over Bryn’s having come out gay. Steve suggested a get-together that evening with him and his adult daughter Alyssa. We four shared a meal. At Alyssa’s request the brothers spent some private time talking together. Civil discourse. Polite. Some heartfelt exchange. Steve came close to making what might pass as an apology—”I want you to know I’ve always acted on what I thought to be right. Maybe I erred on the side of being too harsh.” Bryn, on the other hand, did not float the word ‘apology.’ 

The next day friends Kelly, Tish, and Sister Joetta, dropped by for a visit. Bryn said the day was tinged with gold for him:  his energy was up. the day was gorgeous. It was good to share time with friends and to feel that warmth in the household.

Dave and son Jeremy are working on building Bryn’s casket. Late into the project, Dave neglected to read the fine print that making it out of hardwood (red oak wood rather than lightweight pine) adds about 200 pounds to the weight of the finished product. (“Good thing I'm losing weight hand over fist,” Bryn says, “so that the final weight will be doable by my virtual pallbearers.” [Since we're planning on cremation, Bryn’s pallbearers will not have to shoulder any actual physical weight.]

 Recently Bryn’s pain has been managed well to the point he is able to be present to people and to what’s going on around him. He looks rail thin. His skin is yellowed with jaundice. Energy levels come and go, varying with the day. So, too, nausea and vomiting. 

VOMIT WITH AN ATTITUDE

Oh, there have been harrowing moments. Dave flying from one country stop sign to the next. Both of us hoping beyond hope that we'll make it home before it comes out one end or the other. This in the days before having emesis bags at the ready. This time (and another) when we made it home beforehand, if just barely. Last night it was vomit with an attitude, a very polite attitude that waited until we got home—after a modern dance theater presentation, no less—and having gone out with friends to a restaurant afterwards. This time the vomit came up patiently, having waited its time.

VOLUNTEERS WITH GRACE

Last week our visiting hospice nurse was Janice, a long-time former colleague of Dave’s when he served as hospice chaplain. Trading on their long-term friendship, Janice read Dave the riot act regarding his marshaling volunteers to help cook, clean and do other tasks so as to free him up for quality relationship time with Bryn. 

Dave took her words to heart. We now have a cadre of volunteers who have signed on, signed up and showed up to do household chores. We're so grateful to feel this extra-special level of support from family and friends.

HOW NOT TO DO IT

 This is a link to a video of a presentation Bryn made at a Ball State class. It was titled, "How Not to Come Out Gay in Delaware County".

NOT DEAD YET

      In phone conversation the other day, someone (here to remain nameless) in effect said to Bryn, “So, you're not dead yet.” No, to quote Mark Twain, rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. Bryn is not dead yet. Still hanging in there. Happy for good days. Happy for good energies. Happy for you. Happy for what it means to be in touch with you and walking through these days together. 

Yosef, Bryn, Dave, Dave

HEARTS ON PARADE

One of the gifts of extended life review is the opportunity for people to visit—sometimes in person, sometimes through cards, email notes, letters, greeting cards. Friends from 25 years ago who were instrumental in helping me navigate the new and icy waters of coming out. In rolls the car with Pennsylvania plates and two men near and dear to our hearts. These and others, heart friends who, fast bound chord-to-chord, provided a trail marker, a clothesline in the dark, a snow fence to follow through the blizzard to find my way home. Yet others, friends of whom I have second doubts. (What are you doing here? We've not connected for years. Why now? What's in this for you? What's in this for me?) 

 Come one, come all, as long as I have energy. I keep learning what’s important here at the end of life is connection, reviewing the depth, breadth, nurturance, attitudes, feelings in all this. A visit with an estranged brother: curious and welcome all the same. Such a mix of feelings. Such gratitude underlying it all. Love.

Love,

Dave and Bryn